I‘ve been having many ‘uncomfortable’ thoughts tonight. Very uncomfortable and I wish I could get rid of them. The evening started off ok. That is the funny part about it. Maybe it is due to the drink. I know I have had too much. Well, not more than usual but I hadn’t had any food so it didn’t do me much good in the long run.
We were going out for a drink with Ron and Brenda and we thought it much easier if I went to Alan’s instead of him collecting me. Even the thought of a present awaiting me didn’t get me to Alan’s on time. I was only ten minutes late when I met him walking down the road to come to meet me. He told me he had been thinking of all sorts of things that might have happened to me. He took me straight into the back room to give me my present. A grey Italian label cardigan. It is a beaut. He said if I wanted I could change it for a pink one. Thinking of my brown straight skirt I said maybe pink would be best. (Ron informed me later that he had sold the pink one so I had to make do with the grey.)
I felt in a very cheery happy mood after that and after seeing how touched Alan was to get a letter that I had written in one of my sillier moods last Wednesday night.
Mr.Blake and John were decorating the front room and as we passed on our way out I stuck my head around the door and said ‘good evening’. I was invited to give my opinion on the wallpaper so we lost another ten minutes talking. Noticing Ron standing outside we decided we had better get moving and all went and piled into his van.
I’ve rarely spent such a funny half hour. I was sitting next to Ron in front and Alan was in the back. They just kept on jabbering to each other and it was so funny. They certainly are good friends. Ron kept telling good things about Alan and when Brenda is around Alan praises Ron.
Ron knows we are going to get engaged and he was pleased about it. He said he thought something was in the air when Alan asked for his opinions of me in a letter. He said Alan had never done that before.
We collected Brenda who lives in a gorgeous flat in Walthamstow and we drove off for a drink. We stopped in the car park of a couple of pubs but finally landed in the Royal Oak at Chingford. It is nice in there, cosy and with music playing. Nice atmosphere. At first we attempted to hold a conversation but soon gave Ron the floor. Once he starts nobody can stop him. He was jabbering on about his flat, the wedding and most of all, about his gas-stove.
After a time both he and Alan got rather mellow and affectionate and it was funny to hear them talking about Brenda and me as it we weren’t there. Alan admitted that he had proposed to me after five days. It seems so strange and unbelievable when it is actually said out loud.
It was pretty late by the time we reached home so Alan didn’t bother to come in. He just went home in Ron’s van, after making arrangements for dancing at the Lambourne tomorrow.
Looking back, nothing out of the ordinary occurred at all. I just don’t know what happened to turn me against him so strongly. Maybe it was the drink. I can’t explain the feeling. My heart tightened and I kept telling myself it was just too damned stupid to carry on with this pretence of marrying him. I don’t love him, one little bit. I am just flattered at his attentions and his proposal which was so sincere. I know I will have to break things off sooner or later, so it is much better to make it now, before things really become too involved. Not that it would be easy now.
And so I kept on, trying to work things out, convinced in the back of my mind that I hated him and didn’t want to see him again. I went to bed feeling so depressed and so worried. If I hadn’t had the effects of the drink to send me to sleep I would have been awake all night.